Bottom of the pit days

Man, I haven't been posting much lately. Not a whole lot going on, though I could have talked about the nice trip we took to the Rotterdam Zoo a couple of weekends ago, but I didn't get around to it.

It's been another long, difficult week. I'm back on my old medication now, and while it's seemed to have done well in soaking up my teariness, it's not done much with my lack of energy. I've had a hard time getting myself to do anything this week. When I have some time at home and I think "I could read this, read that, wasn't there something I wanted to do?...", all I can bother doing is watch TV. At work I can manage to do things if I feel they are needed right away, but if something isn't, I have to literally sit there and tell myself, this must get done. Now. C'mon. I keep meaning to listen to some music at work and haven't even done that in awhile, perhaps because I'd get stuck when faced with the decision of what to listen to.

Part of what makes decisions hard is that nothing seems exciting or interesting to me. I get in this mood every once in awhile, where things feel very dead. Normally, you know, I can think "I hate being at work today, I wish I could be at home reading or catching up on something," if I'm in a situation I'm unhappy with, I can think of what I'd rather be doing. But not in this mood. What plans I do have don't seem like things I feel like doing, maybe I'm even wanting to just cancel them. I try to think of something to excite me or something I would look forward to, and I can't. It's very scary, it feels like there's nothing that would ever make me happy again. I tell myself every time this happens that it's happened before and it always passes, so it will pass again, but at the time it's of course hard. And this time it's a bit worrying because it usually only last a few days, but this has been going on all week.

Part of the feeling also is that I feel very distant from O and he basically annoys me more than anything. It's not his fault, but it does create more of the feeling I have that everything is not the way it should be. Last night, I came back late from a friend's house and he was still out drinking with people from his work. I got ready for bed and was sort of dreading him coming home because he'd be drunk and I just didn't want to deal with him, even if he were sober, really. I just wanted to be alone. Then he called and said he was heading out to a friend's house and would be spending the night there. After I hung up the phone, I felt really angry or sad or something, even though I was just given exactly what I wanted. I don't know what was wrong with me. But I was eventually glad to be on my own for the night and have the place to myself for a bit. Now I don't know when he'll be getting back, but I was planning to do some shopping in town and I'm kind of hoping to leave before he gets home. I have to talk to him eventually though.